I used to go play football at the sports complex near
my house. We’re going all the way back to the mid-2000s here. I wasn’t very
good. I mean, I was awful. I wouldn’t be my own first pick if I were made
captain. But I loved playing and I would run a lot — I felt like I’d be letting
down my coach, Alex Ferguson, if I didn’t finish each game in a crumpled heap. Given
that I’m left-footed, if someone noticed it they would address me as “Lefty”.
Otherwise my name was “defender” since I played on the left side of defence
mostly. For some, my name was “Oye”.
That’s how it works. Most such playgrounds in Delhi are
pretty democratic spaces and anyone can join in. The lure of football is
impossible for even the most hardened cynic, especially if there’s the prospect
of rain in the air. So it was quite normal to see 30 people of all ages and
sizes running around headlessly on the hockey field we called the “pitch”. Literally
everyone screaming curses at each other, with that one slightly older wet-blanket
uncle who would “please request” the others to “mind your language”, so you’d
have to grudgingly tone down the F-bombs and the M-bombs and the B-bombs and
the C-Bombs.
This also means that no one knows anyone’s name, so
people tend to get creative. The goalkeeper is known as “Keeper” if you went to
a fancy school, “Goalie” if you didn’t. If you’re truly connected to your roots
though, you’ll address him as “Golchi”. Any new kid is thrown in defence, and
he’s known forever as “Kid” or “Bachcha”. If you’re tall, bless your soul, you
will be known as “Lamboo” until you saw off a few inches in frustration. You
will be expected to head every ball, and blamed appropriately. All fat kids, predictably,
were known as “Mota”. The guys who ran really fast were “Ghoda”, aka a horse. A
friend of mine wore an Italy jersey from the 2004 Euros with Totti’s name on
the back once, and for the next many years
his name was “Toaty”.
To be clear, this wasn’t some tactically sophisticated
match up of contrasting styles and footballing philosophies. It was classic amateur
football: kick and run, over and over again. There’s a vague sense of someone
keeping score, but it’s ultimately “last goal wins”. So the more agricultural
skills were valued more — all strikers were either strong or fast, and they
could shoot well. The central defender literally just needed to know how to
kick long. The job of the weak players in the team was merely to latch on to a
stray ball, and pass it to the striker, known (obviously) as “Striker”, who’d
yell if he didn’t get the ball quickly enough. Sure, our level of football may
have been primitive, but all strikers everywhere are the same. They live for
the glory of goals, and that’s all they care about. The lead singers of
football teams, and just as annoying.
Regional ethnicities played as much of a role in the
naming ritual of players as identifiable physical attributes did. And with
that, of course, comes the possibility of bigotry. All bulky defenders were
given a colloquial term that I won’t repeat because I found out much later in
life that it’s racist. Sikh kids, regardless of age, were “Paaji” — this wasn’t
mean-spirited, and they usually didn’t mind. There was some casual racism
toward people from other states. And anyone over the age of 25 was dubbed “Uncle”,
a trend I was fully supportive of for the first 24 years of my life, after
which I had a rethink.
And then there was “Maradona”. This wasn’t a
compliment as you’d reasonably expect. Sure, he may have been arguably the
greatest footballer to have ever lived. But on the playground, he had morphed
into a whole other concept. He was reduced — or, rather, elevated — to a taunt
and an insult. Every few weeks, a new kid would show up. He’d have greater
designs on glory. Maybe he used to play in his school or college team, maybe he
had some rudimentary understanding of the game thanks to the internet or an
overeager older cousin. He’d try stepovers and flicks, backheels and all that
stuff. He’d take on his man and dribble past him. The maverick with a bad attitude.
It didn’t matter whether he was any good or not. No
one cared if his tricks came off. What he was doing was breaking a code. It was
unethical. He was making everyone look like a fool! How dare he? Like, no one resented the striker for scoring constant tap-ins, but this guy got heat just for being stylish. Really, this
kid’s problem was that he had ideas above his station. He didn’t know his
place. “That shit doesn’t belong here, you son of Maradona.” Or: “Try that
again you Maradona, and then I’ll show you. Zyaada hero ban raha hai? Abhi
dikhata hoon, saale Maradona.”
It was bizarre. You could slide into people, smack
them in the head, elbow them in the throat, thwack at their shins. It was all
fine. These were war wounds. But one tiny little stepover and people would lose
their shit. Embarrassment was more painful than actual physical pain. You’d
disparagingly be called “Maradona” and people would be out to get you. And the
thing is, the “Maradona”, like the real thing, would take the piss. He’d enjoy
it. He’d keep doing it over and over again, further enraging everyone.
If memory serves, Kaka was arguably the best player in
the world at the time. Ronaldinho had had his time in the sun, and Messi was coming up
fast. Ronaldo, the Brazilian one, had already done his thing a few years ago. Pele’s
presence was forever lurking. But the trickster on the playground was always “Maradona”,
never another player.
The underlying idea here was that that kind of stuff
was reserved for Maradona and no one else. He is a higher being. That you, little
upstart twat, are a pretender and a fraud suffering from arrogance and delusions
of grandeur. You can’t pull this crap here, only Maradona can. You are not
Maradona, only Maradona is Maradona.