There’s obviously a loose template somewhere out
there, which is why everything on the internet reads the same way. There has to
be. And over time spent staring at my laptop screen, I’ve noticed that writers
tend to fashion their pieces a certain way, latching on to collective quirks to
lure unsuspecting readers into believing they’re having fun reading the thing.
In the spirit of full disclosure, here’s me attempting to Wikileaks contemporary
online writers.
1.
Drop
Current Affairs References and Verbalize Them: Wikileaks
isn’t strictly ‘current affairs’ but notice how I used it as a verb recently? Also:
Verbalize. And Facebooking.
2.
Make
Lists: A lot of people unfairly accuse writers of holding
their readers in contempt by oversimplifying everything via lists; that they
think their readers suffer from shallow attention spans. That’s expressly
untrue. The real reason lists are so common is because it’s the writers
themselves who have short attention spans and because there hap.
3.
Use
A Straw Man Argument: “A lot of people unfairly accuse…” etc.
4.
Excessive
Use of Irony: Sarcasm is too immature while sincerity happens
to be really difficult to express and far beyond the scope of the average Joe. Lying
in between is that special kind of feckless irony that’s the sole preserve of
the budding online writer. It comes with either A) not having a clue what irony
really means, or B) not being too sure what the purpose of its use is in context
to the piece being crafted, or C) all of the above. It’s a postmodern conundrum
is what it is.
5.
The
Hipster Fixation: Call anything that pisses you off or you
find threatening a ‘hipster’.
“The F7 key on my laptop is a
fucking hipster.”
“My cook made black dal today
instead of yellow dal; bloody hipster woman.”
“My hipster building has really old
Schindler’s lifts.”
*As an aside, isn’t it time we – as dedicated
consumers and self-professed content generators on the internet – begin phasing
out use of the word? It’s been done to death and its overuse without
any real context has pretty much blunted any potential impact it may have had –
positive or negative – to begin with. I’ve personally tried using ‘coolcat’ or ‘hepcat’
on multiple occasions but it doesn’t seem to be catching on.
6.
“Self-Awareness”:
In
the real world, there are certain personality quirks that help one identify
someone as being “self-conscious”. Online, that same thing passes off as being “self-aware”,
which is considered quite cool. Less flattering terms include puffery and
flash.
7.
([{Over-punctuate}]):
Usually;
In-correctly…
8.
Excessive
Use of Overdone Catchphrases: True story. Because
nothing collects a herd quite like a dog whistle. Just sayin’. Keep calm and be
ironic.
9.
Supposed
Axioms and Clichés: Let’s all get together and rhapsodize
about bacon wrapped in Nutella because nothing better has or will exist and
fuck heart patients, diabetics, vegetarians, certain faiths but not all of them,
and also people with different taste. Cue hilarious one-liner about bacon that
makes it 2legit2quit.
10. Be Meta: This
is a two-step process: First, look up the word meta on an online dictionary and
then be it.
11. Name Drop TV Shows to Fit In: The
so-called cerebral ones, particularly. For e.g., Community. It used to be
Arrested Development earlier, which I happen to love. So I’m going with Community
and its trying-too-hard-cockiness.
12. Shift-F7 to Sound Intellectual or Witty: This is best used in conjunction with when the
writer has no real point to make to begin with.
Exhibit
A: I’m
against corruption but I pay traffic cops a bribe when I jump a red light or talk on my cell phone.
Exhibit
B: The
act of corruption is preposterous and, fundamentally, it happens to be a direct
consequence of a greed-infested world imbibed with values of capitalism, blind
profit, and materialism, with blatant disregard, contempt even, for the true
warriors – the working class. Power to the people and down with the government.
Ultimately, the need of the hour is to destroy the multiple layers of
protection enjoyed by the gentry, instead of focusing our collective energies
fighting the little man paying a miniscule amount to get out of a speeding
challan. That’s just a microcosm of a larger predicament, and unimportant in
the grand scheme of things, especially when there are Coalgate (ugh) and 2G
scams happening at the very top levels of our administration.
Spot the difference. Although, in
fairness, writers tend to get paid on a per-word system, so the more the
merrier.
13. Use of Tortured Analogies and
Comparisons for the Sake of Contrived Comedy: “I
had a dog when I was fourteen and in braces and I was applying acne cream four
times a day. The dog ran away. I popped all my pimples that day. Eight years
later, I discovered the internet, went on Stumbled Upon, and stumbled upon a
video called 2 Girls, 1 Cup. That was
far better than watching this government try to scam its way through its
tenure.”
14. Being Self-Referential: Refer
to Point 10. That’s me being meta and self-referential.
15. Overuse of Rambling Qualifiers,
Colloquialisms, and Slang: This is just a sluggish attempt at
sounding hip and cool (which leads to sounding smug often). For e.g., phrases like
“like, y’know, you know, pretty much, really, really, etc.” Thanks a fuckton for
that, David Foster Wallace. You’ve managed to inspire a generation of slacker
wastoids to believe they can get away with lazy writing* by, like, sort of adding
some colour and character. Also thanks for presaging Facetime video
conferencing some 15 years before it happened.
*Wallace is one of my favourite writers actually, and here's a piece that, while unnecessarily critical and contrarian, tries to explain this phenomenon.
16. Drop Token Infinite Jest Reference:
See
above.
(Not to say I'm not guilty of all of these, often together.)
(Not to say I'm not guilty of all of these, often together.)
